Living in Fear

Well I had my one of many biopsies yesterday. This one killed. As you can see in my photo there shows a place where it was done. This was a different type of biopsy where I had to lie on a table with my breast in these boxes. It was an MRI guided biopsy. It was quite painful, more so than other types of biopsies I have had.

If you haven't guessed by now I am a Cancer Survivor of two years now. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in Sept/Oct 2006. I had DCIS, had my lump removed from my left breast and went through radiation. Now two years later I still live in fear of whats around the corner for me. I have had some suspicious areas checked out, Mammograms, Ultrasounds, and MRI's. Its enough to make a person go nuts. Then after the tests you sit and wait for a couple days for your results. These can be the most trying times, the most longest days. The waiting is horrendous! My nerves get shot, I don't eat much, yet I guess it comes with the territory. I have been through some results that were negative for Cancer and of course my first ones which weren't. I can't stress enough how difficult these times can get.

When I was first diagnosed two years ago, I thought my world fell apart. I watched my father-in-law pass away from Cancer a few months before I was told I had mine. I expected the worse, pictured my children living without me. I threw up! I didn't handle it well. I guess I am not some of those that have this positive outlook on life and breeze right through their diagnoses. I started my treatments and WAM! I started have panic attacks to go along with everything else. If you have never had one of those, let me tell you, you think you are going to die. I actually didn't know what was happening to me. I was taking to the Emergency Room and was told that was what I was having, other than being severely dehydrated and my potassium was low. After my release, from then on, I kept having these attacks. They lasted 45Min's or so. I sought help and learned to control my way of thinking and of course some drugs (nothing wrong with prescriptions in that in time of need). These panic attacks lasted for quite a few months, making it impossible for me to go out of the house. But I have overcame them and I am doing great now, with counseling, yoga, deep breathing exercises and love ones around.

But here I am again, this time a little stronger, coping with things better, ready to take on what ever news comes to me. I have a couple days to wait for my results and KNOW what I have to do if its not good news. Mastectomy! I am OK with that. If its good new, I know that I will still live in fear, the thought always with me, that the Cancer will Rear Its Ugly Head One Day! Its a hard thing to not think about. But I will keep pushing on.