I Feel

Its amazing after the years of doing the line of work I do, that I somehow haven't grown tired yet. The people I encounter, the lives I can touch... its ever changing, yet not easy. Some come into your life you least expect to, you care for them, bathe them, change them, they become an intricate part in your life. In an instant you bound, nurture and love. You watch them have strength and then slowly loose the parts that make the body work, perform and think. I want to be God at that point and take away all the pain emotionally and physically. I suffer along with them, its what I do. This is my job. When one suffers, so do I. I take with me the aches and pains, the headaches, the mental confusion...I take it all home with me. I Feel!

Since I last wrote, I have lost a very good close client four months ago. He was like my Dad. I deeply regret how I couldn't be there at his final passing. It was late, I wasn't working. I couldn't be there to hold his hand and let him know it was OK to travel to his next destination. I couldn't tell him the angels were waiting at the gates for him. But I have however moved on from that regret, and am now left to care for his beloved wife. Shes like my Mother. Her process to another destination is much slower for now. Dementia and Alzheimer's are taking their toll. She may not know me one day. So each day is a treasure to me when she smiles and I greet her first thing in the morning. I know she recognizes me and welcomes me into her home. Some days are full of laughter and silly conversations(what little she can say). Other days are scary to watch and makes my heart break. Shes lonely and misses her beloved husband of 75 years. I cant imagine what it must feel like to suddenly be alone after 75 years. Again, as my job always does, I imagine her loneliness and it makes me sad too.

The one thing I hold on to each day as I walk through the doors of my work is how I am there because I WANT to be. Not because I HAVE to be. I walk in knowing that I am doing what I love for people, and for those that NEED me. Its also a learning time for me as well. Each day I learn something new. It can be from something in my performance, or something I hear from someone about the days of their youth, their smiles as they recall their childhood, their courtships, their families, their lives. I do what I do because I will be there too one day. Give love and love returns. I truly believe this!

So for now, I watch and listen to the people around me. The people that fill my life each work day. I watch, because it helps me grow as a person. My heart is full, my life is full at that moment. Nothing is greater than a smile that someone gives me who has no one to smile to. Nothing is better than holding the hand, combing the hair, bathing the ones that can no longer care for themselves. I am truly the one blessed by having them in my life. Surely there has to be some lessons for me, because watching these same love ones hurt, and die can not be without lessons.

Its not easy, because "I feel"